Satire

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by Reid Fitzsimons

You Might Be A Diversity Redneck If…

If intellectually you really can’t handle much beyond simple slogans such as “We’re a nation of immigrants” and “Diversity is our strength,” but they give you a comforting feeling. Besides, you’d never put yourself in a position where you’d have to further explain them

If you feel ashamed to be an American because we generally aren’t multilingual, even though you speak only English

If you know you really don’t speak Spanish but try to pronounce the few words you do know with your best Spanish accent when you are with your hip friends at the upscale Mexican restaurante

You are deeply offended that Spanish and other romance languages largely designate nouns as masculine or feminine but are ashamed of yourself for feeling critical of a language other than your own

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by Reid Fitzsimons

If you get confused over what you’re supposed to believe because the people who make the rules about diversity keep changing them

If you are offended by any non-Mexican wearing a sombrero because of cultural appropriation, though you’re not sure if other Hispanics also wear sombreros and how to differentiate them from Mexicans

If everyday you curse your fate for not having homosexual, or at least bisexual, tendencies

If you prominently display the photo of you and that black bartender at the resort in Jamaica from last year and tell people you and him became good friends

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Obama-shotgun-463x300

by Reid Fitzsimons

Today, in reaction to the horrific and tragic events in Orlando, FL, President Obama made an emphatic statement to the American people, as follows:

My fellow citizens, I am outraged and terribly saddened by the slaughter of innocent people by a terrorist, and am prepared to act boldly using all the power and authority invested in me by a pen and smart phone. First I will review the known facts so there will be no misperceptions and that the steps I am declaring today will engender no significant opposition.

In the early morning hours of June 12th, a 29-year-old man named Omar Mateen entered the Pulse Nightclub and murdered 49 people. Mateen was a US citizen born in NYC of Afghani parents and has been described as a devout Muslim. He apparently became radicalized and pledged allegiance to ISIS, or what I prefer to call ISIL because the L stands for Levant and it makes me sound smart and sophisticated, as most people don’t know what it means. We know without question that Islam is a religion of peace so that any violence committed in the name of Islam cannot be violence committed in the name of Islam. Hence, after consultation with a myriad of experts, professionals, and lawyers, including people working for the US Dept. of Justice Civil Rights Division and the Southern Poverty Law Center, we have determined the following to be true:

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transgender

by Reid Fitzsimons

The Target Corporation, which describes itself as “an upscale discount retailer” and operates almost 1,800 stores, has recently emphasized its commitment to transgender activism, specifically where it pertains the to use of its bathrooms. Brian Cornell has been at the helm as the CEO since August 2014 (total compensation since his affiliation $28,164,024) and recently made a statement, largely in Q&A format, to address any concerns his bathroom policy has engendered.

His preamble reiterated Target’s diversity philosophy: "individuality may include a wide spectrum of attributes such as personal style, age, race, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, language, physical ability, religion, family, citizenship status, socio-economic circumstances, education, and life experiences." He added the following: “We live in exciting times, from not only a corporate/business perspective but from a cultural one. We at Target believe the greatest human endeavor is to facilitate people in finding personal fulfillment and satisfaction in life. We are proud to be at the forefront in advocating for people too long marginalized by society simply because of the manner in which they gender identify. We believe the greatest gift we can give our valued customers is a shopping experience where all feel welcome, accepted, and embraced regardless of such factors as sexual orientation or gender identity.” He then answered questions asked by customers about Target’s bathroom policy:

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jmes tylor john kerry

by Reid Fitzsimons

In response to the horrific terror attacks in France last night, President Obama has announced a two-pronged approach. First, in a reprise of the enormously meaningful show of solidarity with the French people following the Charlie Hebdo attacks this past January, he has dispatched Sec. of State John Kerry to France along with has-been soft rock star from the 1970s, James Taylor, to croon to the French people “You’ve Got a Friend.”

Second, President Obama has initiated an offensive plan code-named “Tunes Against Terror.”  The centerpiece of this strategy involves positioning audio-equipped drones above ISIS strongholds and blasting in a continuous loop a compilation of James Taylor’s greatest hits, including Sweet Baby James, Fire and Rain, and Oh Susanna. Additionally, the 1972 Carly Simon song, “You’re So Vain,” written about James Taylor, will be included.

The President expressed his confidence that this unprecedented dual strategy will reassure the French people of US support of their progressive social policies while either making the ISIS terrorists feel mellow and embrace Western progressive ideals or desert their posts to escape excruciating James Taylor covers of songs such as Wichita Lineman, Hound Dog, and Handy Man.

white-house-forum-harvey-weinstein-whoopi-goldberg-blake-lively-naomie-harris-618x400

by Reid Fitzsimons

Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others- Winston Churchill

Clothes and courage have much to do with each other- Sara Jeannette Duncan

Up until today I could have searched the recesses of my cultural knowledge and concluded there is a person named Blake Lively and associated the word celebrity with the name. For some reason I happened to notice a trending now headline stating, “Blake Lively Shuts Down Preserve.” My initial assumption was that this Blake Lively person is one of those PETA-type celebrities who pose nude under the banner of “I’d rather go naked than wear fur,” and had been operating some kind of animal rescue organization. Being tangentially simpatico as a philosophical vegetarian for over nine years, my first thought was it is kind of a shame- so many celebrities offer grandiose statements or make ridiculous symbolic gestures pertaining to the progressive cause of the moment, but here was one that actually did something. Sadly, in the realm of “say it isn’t so,” I discovered Preserve is a largely commercial website featuring the “Stories and Creations of Artisans.”

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coexist

by Reid Fitzsimons

Background:

Jarrod is in his early 30s and in a heteronormative marriage to Mindy, also in her early 30s. They are both products of middle-class suburbia and college-educated. Actually they met in college, where she studied art and computer technology and he eventually obtained a master’s in communications. Somewhat to his surprise, Jarrod transformed his college degree into a job with a tax-exempt group, eventually making a salary in the low-$100s with the title of Communications Director. The organization he works for has something to do with “advocacy” in a variety of areas including domestic violence, gender and race preferred small business opportunities, and community development. He discovered he has a knack for interacting with state and local politicians and has captured quite a bit of grant money for his organization. Part of him wonders why their offices are located in a nice high-rent area and the executive level salaries (including his) are not insubstantial, considering they are ostensibly advocating for the disenfranchised, but generally he convinces himself he is worth what he makes. ...continue reading