by Reid Fitzsimons
Today, in reaction to the horrific and tragic events in Orlando, FL, President Obama made an emphatic statement to the American people, as follows:
My fellow citizens, I am outraged and terribly saddened by the slaughter of innocent people by a terrorist, and am prepared to act boldly using all the power and authority invested in me by a pen and smart phone. First I will review the known facts so there will be no misperceptions and that the steps I am declaring today will engender no significant opposition.
In the early morning hours of June 12th, a 29-year-old man named Omar Mateen entered the Pulse Nightclub and murdered 49 people. Mateen was a US citizen born in NYC of Afghani parents and has been described as a devout Muslim. He apparently became radicalized and pledged allegiance to ISIS, or what I prefer to call ISIL because the L stands for Levant and it makes me sound smart and sophisticated, as most people don’t know what it means. We know without question that Islam is a religion of peace so that any violence committed in the name of Islam cannot be violence committed in the name of Islam. Hence, after consultation with a myriad of experts, professionals, and lawyers, including people working for the US Dept. of Justice Civil Rights Division and the Southern Poverty Law Center, we have determined the following to be true:
Omar Mateen was not Omar Mateen of a Middle Eastern and Islamic background, but rather his name was Billy Bubba Bobby Bubba, Jr., a Caucasian born not in NYC but deep in a flyover zone in the United States, where crazed people cling to their guns and religion. Whereas Omar Mateen was a registered Democrat, Bubba, Jr. was of course a Republican. Our investigation revealed he was a Gun Nut, a member of the KKK, Aryan Brotherhood, and a yet to be revealed Right Wing Militia, and most ominously he was a Conservative Christian. He was known to be a homophobe, Islamophobe, misogynist, pro-lifer, transgenderphobe, and it is suspected that as he was shooting people in cold blood he was humming Onward Christian Soldiers. In other words, he met every criterion we prefer to see in terrorists.
Not only did Bubba, Jr. massacre innocent people, the people he murdered were predominantly of the LGBT demographic, a group I especially cherish, almost on par with sports figures and young black men killed by white police officers, though by definition I can only cherish the latter posthumously. He butchered a demographic that is more important to your President than people who live so-called traditional lives, which makes his act exponentially more egregious.
My fellow citizens, you know me to be rooted in reality and that the directives and laws I issue are not based on a political narrative, but are crafted to address facts. Soon after this traumatic incident a distinguished lawyer for the ACLU, Chase Strangio, observed, “The Christian Right has introduced 200 anti-LGBT bills in the last six months and people blaming Islam for this. No.” What he is correctly stating is that conservative Christians create a climate of hate every time they oppose the march of history. It is, in fact, an act of hate to oppose men using the girl's bathroom, as one example. It is hate to espouse tolerance which, as we know, is just another word for bigotry. No longer can we tolerate the concept of, “You live your life and I’ll live mine.” We need a new paradigm, a paradigm of love that says, “I will accept, treasure, and celebrate whoever you believe you are, or believe you would like to be.” Anything less will no longer be acceptable, under force of law, at least when it involves a preferred demographic.
Therefore, today I am making hate speech, words that offend and hurt, a legal offense. This is being done not to suppress free speech, which will continue to be fully protected, but to insure that speech is used to support and affirm, not upset and incite violence. Words can be used as weapons, just as surely as the assault rifle Bubba, Jr. used to kill so many, and now is the time to modernize the law to reflect this, much like our enlightened friends in the European Union are also doing. As part of this effort we are setting up a number of toll-free numbers that can be used to report words of hate. If you happen to be in a church that exhorts people to “love the sinner but not the sin” you have witnessed hate speech and it should be reported. If you hear someone talk about judging people not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character, that is hate speech. Hate speech is insidious and can easily be disguised, so please be very sensitive to the nuances- we owe this to ourselves and our children.
Just as words can be used as weapons, weapons can be used as weapons. It is undeniable that in 100 percent of shootings a gun of some type is involved. We owe it to ourselves and our children, therefore, to remove instruments of death and destruction from our communities. Considering that the Republican-controlled congress has failed to accede to my desires I am, with few exceptions, banning the possession and use of guns. The precedent is indisputable- in enlightened countries such as France and Belgium, where there is strict gun control, horrors such as occurred in Orlando simply don’t happen. I realize my obligation as President to uphold the constitution is sacrosanct, so therefore this commonsense ban will include only guns that fire bullets. Additionally permits will continue to be issued to some people or their surrogates, important people who need and deserve personal protection, including A-list celebrities, certain politicians, and really rich people, at least those who donate to progressive causes.
The implementation of these new regulations will be reasonable and gradual so that previously law-abiding gun owning citizens will be given ample opportunity to continue being law abiding by turning in their guns. They need not worry about financial loss because they will be issued gift cards to such major retailers as Target and Starbucks in exchange for their guns. Compliance is expected and I’d much rather appeal to patriotism than legal threats; please don’t force me to come into your home for something that will prove unpleasant for you. I can assure average citizens that you can put your personal safety and security in the hands of the Government with full confidence. We will ask that concerned citizens report to the Authorities any knowledge they have in regards to people possessing guns; their information will be kept confidential and they too will receive gift cards as a personal “thank you” from me.
My fellow citizens, I implore all of you to join me in this noble and necessary crusade. I am confident my bold and visionary decrees will be implemented with only token Republican opposition because otherwise they will be called hate-filled racists on Twitter and, like always, they tremble at that possibility. Once we rid ourselves of speech that may offend certain people or groups and rid ourselves of guns that kill and maim people, we will have a society of harmony, peace, and compliance. Together, we can silence Bubba, Jr. and his like-minded bigoted conservative Christian friends forever, and you will never feel offended again.