by Reid Fitzsimons
In response to the horrific terror attacks in France last night, President Obama has announced a two-pronged approach. First, in a reprise of the enormously meaningful show of solidarity with the French people following the Charlie Hebdo attacks this past January, he has dispatched Sec. of State John Kerry to France along with has-been soft rock star from the 1970s, James Taylor, to croon to the French people “You’ve Got a Friend.”
Second, President Obama has initiated an offensive plan code-named “Tunes Against Terror.” The centerpiece of this strategy involves positioning audio-equipped drones above ISIS strongholds and blasting in a continuous loop a compilation of James Taylor’s greatest hits, including Sweet Baby James, Fire and Rain, and Oh Susanna. Additionally, the 1972 Carly Simon song, “You’re So Vain,” written about James Taylor, will be included.
The President expressed his confidence that this unprecedented dual strategy will reassure the French people of US support of their progressive social policies while either making the ISIS terrorists feel mellow and embrace Western progressive ideals or desert their posts to escape excruciating James Taylor covers of songs such as Wichita Lineman, Hound Dog, and Handy Man.